I really appreciate the care you’ve taken in this piece and, in turn, the care you have shown yourself. In my therapy call today, my therapist and I spoke about how the political and personal don’t always align for people. How their political beliefs don’t always inform how they were show care and respect for the people around them. And moreso, how we treat ourselves is the place where we are put to the test in the most drastic way. Sending you ease today ❤️
Thanks! I think there is much more to say about depression and all its facets. I agree that often there is a misalignment in terms of what one should be doing, and what one - if they listen to their gut - ought to be doing. That lack of alignment has created problems for me, so now my goal is to be more authentic.
I really love these two sentences together “Being gone meant I couldn’t witness my partner’s labor. I had no texture of it.” One because I can see it and the other because I see myself. Lately, I’ve been paying a lot more attention to home. As in it’s a space that my partner and I get to create together no matter how busy we are. I want to add to the texture of it.
Beautifully vulnerable and honest! I never considered how depression can dull the shape of some memories while sharpening others. And how it’s rarely a one-episode kind of deal. Thanks for illuminating us and sharing your journey 🙏🏾
Interesting what you say about memories. I've been writing a memoir of sorts and while venturing into recalling my darkest episode (where I, rather, she lost a child), everything I can think to write about sounds like a manufactured lie. I put the pen down many times and told myself, no don't think about it as engaging prose, just actually ask yourself if these things you think happened, happened the way you remember. And the truthful idea is I don't have a clue what I was thinking, why I was doing anything I can think I did, because my head was buried in its own shadow and it's simply too dark for me to look back and make out any of it 😔 here's to making happier memories, friend
Thanks Shihab. I think that's part of the trauma, right - is not to remember, not having a clue. That's our way of coping. Much healing to you as well.
I should add I know I was depressed in losing a fully formed son through brutal circumstances and that I don't profess to understand what actual non-eveng based depression must feel like. But I think I got a taste of it to appreciate what sufferers must go through and damn it felt gnarly...
I'm so sorry to hear that. We have gone through an early stage miscarriage, but its not the same. I think regardless, its always a challenge to admit depression and to then do something about it while still being depressed. It is hard at times, but its part of who I am now so I generally make the best of it (when I'm able to!).
I'm always cautious when discussing depression with people who suffer from it as a chemical rather than circumstantial thing. I appreciate I'm blessed with a sunny disposition and almost never sink into darkness without valid cause, so I never say "yeah mate, I know how you feel". I know it's different. Peace to you my friend
Thank you for sharing. It’s made me think about real and false memories. It seems obvious now, but I didn’t connect memory and meaning making.
Thanks for reading! For me, memory is essential to making meaning, and writing this piece reminded me of that fact.
I really appreciate the care you’ve taken in this piece and, in turn, the care you have shown yourself. In my therapy call today, my therapist and I spoke about how the political and personal don’t always align for people. How their political beliefs don’t always inform how they were show care and respect for the people around them. And moreso, how we treat ourselves is the place where we are put to the test in the most drastic way. Sending you ease today ❤️
Thanks! I think there is much more to say about depression and all its facets. I agree that often there is a misalignment in terms of what one should be doing, and what one - if they listen to their gut - ought to be doing. That lack of alignment has created problems for me, so now my goal is to be more authentic.
I really love these two sentences together “Being gone meant I couldn’t witness my partner’s labor. I had no texture of it.” One because I can see it and the other because I see myself. Lately, I’ve been paying a lot more attention to home. As in it’s a space that my partner and I get to create together no matter how busy we are. I want to add to the texture of it.
And how making home together is just the start, but also it’s the whole point.
Beautifully vulnerable and honest! I never considered how depression can dull the shape of some memories while sharpening others. And how it’s rarely a one-episode kind of deal. Thanks for illuminating us and sharing your journey 🙏🏾
I didn't realize that either until I wrote the piece!
Loved this piece Vivek. Emotions certainly cloud memories. Makes me think of the line "Don't believe everything you think."
Also, loved your use of the word 'panacea' here.
Interesting what you say about memories. I've been writing a memoir of sorts and while venturing into recalling my darkest episode (where I, rather, she lost a child), everything I can think to write about sounds like a manufactured lie. I put the pen down many times and told myself, no don't think about it as engaging prose, just actually ask yourself if these things you think happened, happened the way you remember. And the truthful idea is I don't have a clue what I was thinking, why I was doing anything I can think I did, because my head was buried in its own shadow and it's simply too dark for me to look back and make out any of it 😔 here's to making happier memories, friend
Thanks Shihab. I think that's part of the trauma, right - is not to remember, not having a clue. That's our way of coping. Much healing to you as well.
I should add I know I was depressed in losing a fully formed son through brutal circumstances and that I don't profess to understand what actual non-eveng based depression must feel like. But I think I got a taste of it to appreciate what sufferers must go through and damn it felt gnarly...
I'm so sorry to hear that. We have gone through an early stage miscarriage, but its not the same. I think regardless, its always a challenge to admit depression and to then do something about it while still being depressed. It is hard at times, but its part of who I am now so I generally make the best of it (when I'm able to!).
I'm always cautious when discussing depression with people who suffer from it as a chemical rather than circumstantial thing. I appreciate I'm blessed with a sunny disposition and almost never sink into darkness without valid cause, so I never say "yeah mate, I know how you feel". I know it's different. Peace to you my friend
Thanks Mike! I like the concept of a drop of water. It really is.
Yes exactly, and the pit in the past was pretty deep for me, but lately its easy to come out of it.